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My bedroom is a mess. Things have been piling up over the past several weekends, and the time I usually dedicate to tidying up has been traded for sitting on our balcony, hanging out with our kitten, or whirlwind getaways with The Expansion Project crew.
So now, there's dust to tackle and piles to sort through.
And I don't wanna.
Has this ever happened to you? Where the grit and the grime of life sneaks up on you and suddenly you are surrounded by all the "I'll do it later" decisions?
I have learned that the miracles happen in the mundane, or, like my friend Texas says, "We can find the extraordinary in the ordinary."
So let me tell you about my little miracle.
We have family from my mom's side coming over this weekend for our Datoo family reunion. We have hosted this reunion every other year since we moved to our house on the lake, and in the past, the house would be spic and span from the professional cleaner I would have hired to do the job... and do it right!
This year, no cleaner.
So a lot more strategic planning (and a bit of non-strategic fretting!) on how to get it all done.
As I was working through the finishing touches a couple days ago, a quiet voice whispered in my ear, "Stop what you're doing and go have your breakfast on the balcony."
I have learned to listen when this voice speaks, so I obediently took my breakfast onto the balcony where I have a lush view of our backyard, the lake beyond, and mountains in the background.
As I watched the wind move through the trees, that voice spoke again. It said, "What's the worse that could happen? What are you actually afraid of?"
The question was asked softly, a gentle nudge from my Intuitive Mind, asking me to explore why I was getting in a frenzy about things being "just so" for this reunion.
And then I got it: What if they judge me?
What if they notice I have gained some weight since the last time we gathered, and, in true brown-family style, talk about it endlessly in front of my face and behind my back?
What if they notice my couches are getting. older and the floor is scuffed and a couple of doors are broken off my kitchen cabinets, and ask about why we haven't prioritized fixing or replacing these things, even though I was raised to be "house-proud"?
What if they don't like the meals I have prepared or are uncomfortable at the new table I have acquired since we last met?
What if they come into my bedroom and see my bedside table cluttered or my shower non-sparkling or the layer of dust that has been gathering at my window sill?
What if they see my son's painted nails, left over from his debut as Beetlejuice at last weekend's play, and raise their eyebrows once again at my suspect parenting style?
What if they hate the boat ride we have planned and don't want to join in on the other activities?
What if they are unhappy or disappointed, and it's all my fault?
In the book The HOW, my good friend Monique talks about six adaptations that we develop to various degrees in order to keep ourselves feeling safe and secure in an unpredictable world. We develop these adaptations when we're really young, and, left unchecked, they become our automatic responses in adulthood.
In the past, in order to manage all these internal "what's ifs", I would turn to my trusty lifelong adaptation of controlling behaviours. I would anticipate all the ways someone might judge me or be disappointed in me, and then preemptively minimize the chances of that by thinking of everything and leaving nothing to chance.
Unfortunately, the impact of that was that I would continue on in that controlling state even with my my beloved guests.
How much fun is it to visit someone who is being controlling but trying not to be controlling? I think of all the times I have worn that tight smile of "it's-not-really-okay-but-I-don't-want-to-seem-controlling-so-go-ahead-and-do-what-you-want-and-I will-try-not-to-scream".
Not very welcoming!
Everything would have to be just so, and I become quite inflexible if someone had an alternate suggestion or plans changed.
Or if they put the bread back in the wrong place on the counter.
Or used the wrong knife for the butter.
Or left crumbs on the kitchen island.
Geez.
And as it was all happening, I didn't know how to change it.
What a horrible feeling to be stuck in an unreasonable response, know you're being unreasonable, but not know how to change it!
So what was my little miracle?
As I sat with this realization that I was afraid to be judged, I also noticed that the old system to manage the discomfort simply doesn't work for me anymore. Since I started practicing The Presence Protocol, this whole controlling way of being has profoundly changed for me.
When I find myself contracting into self-judgement or the worry that others will judge me, I can stop before the what-ifs get ahold of me, engage the Protocol, and find some relief within a couple of minutes.
When the controlling behaviors do sneak in, I can notice that I have slipped out of alignment and have a predictable, repeatable method to quickly get myself back in to flow.
When the little voice whispers to me, I can stop and listen, and get curious about what old story is being activated in this present moment, using The Presence Protocol to observe my inner state, release what isn't serving me, and make space for clarity and insight.
So today, even though my bedroom is a mess and I'm bound to have overlooked someone's latest dietary requirements for the breakfast I am rustling up, I am free from the what ifs. Whether my loved ones judge me or not, I can be relaxed in my home, relaxed in my skin, and ready to host to my heart's delight!
If you can relate, either as the one with the controlling behaviours or as a loved one to someone who acts this way, join us online this Monday August 4th at 5-6 pm Pacific for our FREE live Q&A: "Answers to The HOW". Monique will share an excerpt form the book and answer your questions about The Presence Protocol and other concepts you are curious about.
And if you haven't read it yet, no worries! Join us anyway to connect with the community and see what all the buzz is about. Get your meeting link here.
Yours In Releasing Control,
Dr. Saira
P.S. This week's video is our latest episode of the Expansion NOW Podcast! Join Faizan and Monique as they explore remainin
g in alignment and recognizing misalignment.
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